Letting go of an ex
Hi everyone and welcome back to my blog where i share with you some of my personal experiences.
This blog post is about how i got over my last love. The one i found immensely challenging to "let go" of. I don't speak out much on my personal experiences via my blog posts but my higher self was pushing me to post this. I always listen to my intuition and take my time to post from an aligned energy frequency of love and compassion.
"letting go" is a really common situation we all face over many things we have experienced in life including, work, finance, friends, family, loss, places and also parts of ourselves that we may hold on to, and much more.
Before i post i always ask myself the following.
3 reasons why i am posting?
1. By speaking my truth it heals me.
2. I am facing some personal fears.
3. I am opening up a channel of light.
What 3 things i want from publishing it?
I base these things on just what i want, that does not include anyone else or any one reading this. I practice this with almost everything i do even down to making decisions in my life.
By choosing ourselves first it creates solid foundations and also allows us to post and express with no judgment, expectations and from a higher place.
Of course i write to also help others resonate and help others move on from anything they are experiencing.
So grab a drink and a pen and paper in case you would like to take notes or jot down anything that comes up for you.
There are some things in here that may trigger you so I always suggest just taking a few deep breaths, settling down comfortably and warm and being really present with yourself when reading so you can also get the blogs full effect and the channel of healing light that is connected to it.
So lets begin...
Why can it be so hard to let go and why do we attach?
Have you ever just found it so hard to get over someone to a point where you have physically done everything you can to heal from the relationship and love yourself? Read the books, meditation, mantras, healthy eating and still they pop up time and time again?...
Well this was me and i want to share one of my experiences with you on letting go and how i let go of one of the hardest loves of my life.
Letting go has always been really hard for me, as i imagine it is for many people.
When i was exploring myself and my underworld of beautiful and transformative darkness i realised that i was still attaching myself to an ex partner and i was ultimately still thinking about us and holding on to the past even when we were not together.
I had become very vulnerable with him and i was also at a vulnerable stage in other areas of my life too.
The attachment style i developed was simply just a way of comforting myself by attaching to a feeling of ‘safety'which is why i found it so hard to let go of him and the relationship we had together.
I was still on a subconscious level attached to him and therefore still energetically attached by consciously thinking about the times i felt so great and safe being around him.
He was also my best friend which is something i value highly within my romantic relationships which also made it harder for me to let go of.
The safety that came with the relationship was mainly down to him. His ability to make sure i was protected and safe physically was extremely honourable and admirable which i still now respect immensely.
I had never felt that safe with a man before, maybe its because i had never noticed that before from men i had previously dated, even from very long term partners. However in my late 20’s i was maturing and spiritually growing very fast.
Sounds great huh!?! But here is the thing...
Those of you who know about my childhood from joining my courses know that it was was very physically unsafe for me. It was also emotionally unsafe too.
So therefore as he created that physical safe container for me it allowed me to open up and be myself physically. Like many of us, If i do not feel safe its impossible for me to fall in love.
I always questioned if i loved him or i lusted after him, but after going through these healing stages of my life it was inevitable i was in love with him and probably more so than anyone else before.
The thing is at that point in my life i didn’t know myself on this level that i know myself now so my deeper awareness of this was much more limited. I had not healed my childhood trauma and i certainly did not know what my attachment style was.
Looking back i discovered that because i was so attached to the feeling of the physical safety he provided for me when i was in his company i was ignoring the emotional safety that he could NOT provide for me.
Feeling safe in the times we spent together was enough for me at that point in my life. However, i got to a point where i was so emotionally unsafe i was making myself unwell.
Relationships are about having a balance and it was totally out of balance emotionally and so were we as separate individuals. I can't speak for him but the other areas of my life were out of balance too, he was the only thing i felt safe in.
Forgiveness is healing.
As i continued with my deeper wounded feminine healing work and felt into the relationships i had had with men from the moment i was born, i knew at some point i would have to forgive the one man that had been in my life as a child that caused me so much pain.
You can never force this forgiveness to happen it has to be when your soulfully ready and that can takes years, for me that was since i was 5 years old. It had to naturally unfold and reveal itself. I wanted to forgive him from the purest love in my all of my heart.
It was also part of my healing journey that i needed to be heard and seen and speak my truth with kindness and compassion
The day came, a summer day in 2020 when i decided to travel to see him without giving him and notice. I drove on a pretty much empty road, bright blue skies, beaming sun on this beautiful energy line that God had so beautifully gifted to me.
I thought i would be nervous not seeing or speaking to him for almost 15 years but i wasn't i was calm and i know i was divinely guided and protected.
I got to the drive and the door was wide open as though to say, welcome! It was time to open my arms, love, forgive and set us free from guilt, shame and pain to create a new realm of beauty and love.
Some people would question why i would ever forgive someone who did those things but in the depth of my heart wide open and ready i just could, and i did.
We hugged, we cried, we laughed and we allowed ourselves to just be in that moment of forgiveness i have never felt so alive and proud.
I was scared to tell my mom the most but she supported me and understood. She is the strongest woman i know and if your reading this mom i love you SO much.
(and dad i love you too, and sis and bro! Haha!)
So how does this relate to this love that i found so hard to let go of?
I am aware that none of us are perfect human beings. It took a lot of forgiveness towards him for me to start the process. It also took immense forgiveness towards myself for continuing to put myself under so much pressure and staying in something that was not emotionally safe for me.
However with the forgiveness i had found and experienced through my childhood i knew i could and can walk this path of life with a strong belief that forgiveness is the purest form of medicine.
You cant go to the doctors for a broken heart.
With this romance I got to a point in my life where i wanted to expand and he was not in that same space and he may never be ready to expand in his life emotionally.
Some people decide to grow and others spend a lifetime in the same emotional patterns and behaviours because that is also their safety. There is no right or wrong, our paths are all unique.
One thing i do know is that the universe can only support and guide us with the choices we make, it can not make the choices for us.
However, I am a firm believer the universe will align us with people and push us until we change something but that being said the choice is still ultimately ours to make even if we have to keep living out the same cycle until we make new decisions.
If you are still reading this now its probably because you have had hard break ups or you are still letting go or figuring it out yourself. Maybe you are starting to become aware of your childhood relationships too. Take some time to process and write down anything coming up for you. There is no right or wrong.
Honestly these things take time so try not to be too hard on yourself. It has taken me a very very long time to understand my emotional pattern of attachment and letting go.
"That relationship was the last relationship to break me down."
and i say that with the most integrity and passion from the depths of my soul.
I am truly grateful for all of my relationships as I am now wise and aware of the container i was living in whilst experiencing that romance and love.
LOVE comes in many forms and as i said before for me to feel and fall in love i need to feel safe. So no wonder it was so challenging to fully let go and i know now that was and is not my fault or anyone else's.
That is just the game of life and i honestly respect every part of it as it has made me who i am today.
So how does this link to attachment and also finding it hard to let go of a person and a relationship you had?
Well first of all you need to get to know and understand your own love languages and how you are or how you are not showing up in other relationships in these ways.
You can also begin to explore how attachment and safety played out in your childhood. This way it opens you up to an awareness that helps you notice your patterns as usually this is where it stems from. However a traumatic events in teenage / adult life can also cause this.
Side note- i would always recommend help and guidance for any childhood healing work.
What are the love languages?
You may also want to ask your friends and family to help you with this so they can share with you how you show your love to them.
Also remember there is no right or wrong and its also important to explore yours before your partners. Once you feel comfortable you can help them explore theirs and that way you get a better understanding of how you both show up for each other.
This can be in any relationship too by the way, i have done this with my friends and family.
1. Acts of service. (my second love language) This could be as simple as just being the driver, cooking, cleaning, helping with tasks, organising things.
2. Gift giving. Sometimes we can confuse this with "they are just buying me" when really giving gifts is a way some people do express their love. It does not have to be expensive i could be simply making something and giving it to someone,
3. Words of affirmation (my main love language) This is expression, empowering people with words, kindness, love, and naturally knowing how to heal with words.
4. Quality time. This is as simple as it says spending quality time together. It may mean off your phone, going for a walk, watching the stars together.
5. Physical touch. Again exactly what it says. Holding hands, kissing, touching having that close physical touch.
So how did i start to filter this attachment out of my life?
From my experience which may vary with other people. I now know now that my ego mind tries to justify that the physical safety i had with him was enough because i was trying to hold on to something i very much lacked growing up.
When the time was right i decided to step into this part of my healing journey. So after much soul searching, healing, re-learning, observing forgiveness and growing i know very clearly what i want and need from a romantic partner at this point in my life.
Top tip- get to know your morals and values very well. It is also great to be aware this is not just in romance this plays out in all relationships that we have in our lives too.
I personally believe it is so important to know and honour ourselves without judging ourselves including the light and the dark in order to notice when we are attaching to things we crave the most that may sabotage our mental health and wellbeing.
I craved safety so much in so many ways (today i am just expressing how it plays out in love) personally healing my childhood trauma and understanding how it shows up for me in my life has been so challenging but immensely life changing.
I can now navigate my way through my ego blocks because i am aware of my trauma responses and my natural coping mechanisms.
I now know and understand that my ego/logic mind tries to keep me in memories that caused me to feel a ‘phantom feeling’ of safety. Basically there is a hormone that is released within us when we feel safe that relaxes us so if a memory comes back up for me i am ultimately experiencing that safe feeling in my present moment and in this case it was the ones that i had with him.
What this attached memory of the past does, it triggers the hormones and it tricks my body and energetic body into automatic “safe” mode which therefore keeps me stuck in the past and hence why its been so hard to let go of.
This is a very subtle energy, so much so it can almost be unrecognisable because that is how those darker parts of us try to stay alive. Not only this when we have been so used to living this way it can be even harder to spot because it becomes "normal".
But let me tell you. When you can spot it, those moments are the most vital to recognise whilst we go through the process letting go because those are the times you have to really push through and pull yourself out of that ‘phantom feeling' ego block that is keeping you stuck.
There are many studies on this you can listen to Dr Joe dispenza who explains the ways in which we naturally program our thoughts to our feelings.
I was given the phrase "phantom feeling" through meditation. After looking it up i could only find writing on it that spoke about negative phantom feelings not any that were positive feelings keeping us stuck in the past.
Because for me being safe is something i will always need from any romantic partner. I can heal and forgive my childhood but it has still happened and it is part of who i am and what i came to Earth to experience. So for me feeling safe is personally a very positive feeling to have.
So how do you start this process?
It is not simple and it takes time, deep emotional healing along with patience and not forgetting professional help.
So if this resonates with you in any way, one thing from personal experience you can do is start to create more safety for yourself first.
Especially within your home, work place and your every day living environment.
You can even even ask yourself do you feel safe in your home?
Do you feel safe on the street or area you live in?
Do you fell safe and have a good support system around you?
Do you feel safe at work?
Do you feel safe financially?
Do you feel safe within your health and physical body?
These things are all linked to the root chakra energy point we have which anchors our foundations, safety, grounding, protection, security, stability, balance, family,relationships and deep emotions.
When you can create your own safe container energetically and physically you will begin to form stronger foundations which we all need in order to grow and ascend.
Therefore these strong foundations will start over time helping you in your realtionships.
I am not saying this will override or replace what we need in terms of safety from a partner but it will help prevent us from forming unhealthy attachments and expectations.
We can also start to re-learn how we think and speak. So for an example, if one of those memories pops up to try and bring me a ‘phantom feeling’ of safety.
What i personally do is, I do NOT avoid it and push it to the side. I spot it, i say hi, i welcome it in. I see it, honour it and respect it is just a mechanism to try to keep me safe.
The one thing i do not do is get mad or frustrated at it or myself anymore. I drop the resistance and see it as love. Its actually very impressive how the human function works to armour us.
So in these moments i may face instead of feeling into that moment or memory and "phantom feeling" i say out loud or in my mind all the parts of my present life i feel safe in that i create for myself.
I strongly affirm this with all of my inner strength and courage and wisdom and love.
This way i am healthily re programming my ego and my natural coping mechanism to feel safe in myself instead of an out dated memory of feeling of safe that keeps me stuck in the past and ultimately attached to a thing, person, place ... in this case him.
This is all about coming back to our own wholeness and the present now moment.
This can get quantum deep but i will throw this in for those of you who are open minded and want a bit more of a deeper understanding! ... So by staying in this attachment and living in that 'phantom feeling' of that old memory you had with a person is actually living in a complete different time line that no longer even exists, meaning in those moments even just for a second we are not actually here we are stuck in an old time line. Wild huh!
Thats why learning to be fully present is so important it can take your self - mastery into amazing new levels!
Ok so back to what i was saying before about coming back to our wholeness...
This takes time, consistency and patience.Eventually this will allow more energetic space to open up for someone else to eventually step into your life that can show up in all the ways you need in order for you to give love and be loved in return physically and emotionally.
Another thing you can do which i do every day is start to practice daily grounding meditation. This will help your energetic body become stronger, less cluttered and more active.
Meditation also increases your ability to trust, follow your intuition, it motivates you, decreases the stress hormone, enhances your cognitive development and much more and hey lets not forget it is also anti-aging too! BONUS!
After all, our feelings and the love we feel is exactly that.
A feeling. It is energy!
So looking after your energetic body through the power of meditation will serve you very well.
Thank you for reading and I am sending love to all of you and those of you who think you can’t move on and let go from any pain you may have faced.
YES YOU CAN!
You just have to dig a little deeper, feel a little longer, ignite your courage and keep following your light path.
And no matter how hard it gets, it’s your decision to keep walking on your path that matters the most.
Love and light