The illusion of love and worthiness

The illusion of love and worthiness

I thought I would right a blog today as i was going to write it on Instagram but the more i wrote the more that i felt it needed to have a special place here on my Bluebell spirit blog page.

As you well know i have been on my healing journey for the past 6 years but more deeper inner healing in the past 3 years that came about for many reasons, but mainly from my childhood.Which i have not ever spoken about openly unless you have been on my courses in which you know the history.

Therefore, I do know that some of you who follow me or reading this may not have this greater understanding of this part of my life, however this post i believe is something that i know so many people face in their lives and it is one of the most common subjects that comes up with my beautiful soul clients and healing sessions.

So my intention is that you can read below with knowing my energy of love, kindness and vulnerability has been poured into it and please know you reading this is also healing me too. Maybe something will land for today or even one day in the future that may help you or guide you or someone around you.

So we, me and you, in this now moment can now start to connect on a soulful level of love and healing. We are surrounded by a beautiful bright pure white light, stunning red roses illuminate their beauty and a rainbow light circles us.

So in this time we have, please give yourself permission to feel the words i have written, hear them, feel them, see them in whatever way feels aligned for you.

I hope you enjoy it :)

With this eclipse and retrograde in - it’s been a wheel of emotions along with doing my womb rites only two weeks ago I have had a lot of transformation happening in my inner world and spiritual world. 

I have had a really hard morning this morning (June 9th). My deeper shadows have risen to the surface in form of a new layer. Due to my childhood a lot of my shadows have several layers and expose themselves in divine timing.

This is particular was based around feeling guilty. Guilty in a sense that if I gain something, or receive something great and don’t feel I have done enough to “earn” it - I am not worthy of it because there is an expectation of success in order for me to receive.

(Read that a couple of times until it lands for you or come back to that once you have finished the rest.)

This came about after I received a text about helping me with some financial investment. Amazing right?! All my manifestations and dreams are coming to life!

The phone pinged, i saw it pop up (i have to keep it the first text confidential.)
I responded very honestly and replied straight away saying "Hi, ok ill do that. Thank you. Ill call you tomorrow"
The response i got was"Are you ok?"
I replied " Yes i am ok, it just takes me a little while to process texts like that but i will call you tomorrow"

Instead of being joyful i noticed my body feel resistance in accepting the gift. 
Sure i know how to accept egotistically. It is so important to check in with your heart space too. So i did and as i read it i wanted to avoid it - something was blocking me from accepting it with pure, honest, full mind, body and soul unconditional love embodiment.

Instead i felt upset, confused, blocked, and i just couldn't seem to process it and ingest the txt or why i was feeling so uncomfortable. Why did i want to push it away?

In the past i would have responded from my ego and just passed my feelings by by saying i was "overthinking it" or "being silly", but i know avoidance was one of my old shadow patterns and when you bring your shadow patterns fully into the light- for me i can't avoid anymore, its not authentic for me to do that. i am not my true self if i avoid.

I knew i had to respond as that level of respect is required from my personal morals and values in any relationship or human interaction. I also knew i had to show some vulnerability on the text and knew that a conversation was going to be needed for me to be more vulnerable and honest about how i was feeling in order to really accept this from my soul and heart.

In my evening journal routine i decided to journal on it and asked my higher self what them feelings were and why they were being highlighted for me so i could clear this dense energy i was holding not only in my physical body but my energetic body and Aura too.

Intuitively i felt it around my heart centre which is pretty common and it was blocked or had some kind of tear energetically as for me to have felt it in my physical body it means this first layer of my aura was disrupted, meaning "Grace you need to address this now, not tomorrow, not next week, you need to feel this now!"

I was tired, it was late but i knew i had to face it and i came to some great awareness of myself as i was writing that has been highlighted more and more as I have grown on this path. I have been working on this particular essence and energy of healing for quite some time.
This beautfiul layer of my being was not a fear of failure, but the the fear of success.
Breaking it down , this is actually a fear or uncomfortable feeling of succeeding in what my own opinion of success is by not having to over work or over do to get it.
As I have previously mentioned on my Instagram if you follow me that I have been a people pleaser in the past making myself work immensely hard for the approval of my desired outcomes, career and relationships-but mainly it’s just all been down to the approval of myself, for me to feel validated and worthy.

This fear i do know and i am aware is normal as we are living in a masculine driven world where a lot of women have now de feminised their feminine power and men have become emasculated. With a sense that we have to work REALLY HARD if we want a great life! Therefore this new of being is creating this super crazy unbalanced way of living and feeling and doing!

As I have sat deeper with my shadows rising in this Gemini eclipse energy (it will bring up subconscious beliefs) I realsied that I also adopt this sense of earning with more than just my career. I have reflected on past relationships - all kinds of them. However as the text came from my dad i noticed this was highlighting something to do with men and romantic relationships too.

I was programmed to earn,earn, earn and not just money this could be acts or service too doing things for people out of my own free time to cement a relationship to enable me to feel worthy of what I got in return from that person, and half of the time i was left disappointed because i was expecting to feel a certain way once i had done it.

Sounds really wild to think such a subconscious program with in me was so blindly controlling me.
It started to rise higher into the light and showing me that from being at school, earning teachers validation for passing with good grades was something that i did and i think a lot of children did and do naturally. 

It comes down to Parental love and acknowledgement making my family proud of me. It was linked to finding myself and where I fit in as a child and teenager with groups of friends.Boyfriends and lovers.

So I called my dad, and i just cried to him about it i said "i feel uncomfortable to take your help because i didn't earn it, i don't deserve it."
I heard him sigh and have to hold it together for my sake but he did say "i want to cry now!" and then we opened up a really immense healing conversation that we both needed to have. One i never thought i would ever have to have with him. Expression from him about his own shadows and where he feels he has expected too much form others from giving.

He listened to me and tried to understand how i was feeling instead of his usual logical way of being which i know was out of his comfort zone, but he did it and in turn i listened to him and what he was and is going through too. We both hold the same feelings and we both needed to heal them. 

He told me that he loves me unconditionally and with no conditions, maybe i just needed to hear him say those words from a pure authentic place. It was like dream coming true to feel unconditional love not just form my dad but from a man i respect and honour after so long of hurt and pain in my past romantic relationships.

This is mirror energy is really common for family relationships as we do all reflect each other and our parents are here to teach us our most biggest lessons in life. 

I felt the energy release after the vulnerable conversation that was submerged with love, light, forgiveness and healing and beauty.

Not to my surprise he read a chapter of a book last night that also highlighted this for him too.The universe will always work in amazing ways like this and this eclipse energy is bringing this all up for us to grasp onto now in order to quantum leap! So keep your heart open to change! 

Its form having one vulnerable conversation that can change your whole entire life, stripping yourself bare, allowing yourself to express without feeling silly.
Then just like that the healing has happened. Like a miracle.

As i carried on writing i decided to consider my childhood some more and how this fear had manifested. The thing is, this belief manifested from being a child just wanting to feel that i belonged,safe, secure, to receive validation and love and approval into something I felt was necessary to do in order for me to receive.

Which i know those of you who know my story know how desperately i wanted to just feel safe and secure, and those of you who don't then i hope one day i can share that part of my life with you.

So moving on from that awareness, the veil of this vast universal energy within-is simply its just another illusion I allowed myself to live my life through.

It also allowed me to sink deep into romance and relationships. I am single because I have had to heal and mend my cuts and deep wounds even from childhood traumas around men and love which I know is why it has taken me so long.
It all depends on what we have faced in life that determines the layers or how deep the wounds are.

As a metaphor-
Just like a phyiscal cut if you don’t heal it, if you don’t nurture it properly, it will take longer to heal, it will create more resistance and has the potential to get infected. Then there is a the challenge of putting a plaster on to stop the bleeding, but at some point the wound needs air to heal. So that plaster needs to be taken off and needs to be faced head on with what’s under it. Its ugly at first, scary too. Whats going to be under there? How will it look? all them questions we do not know the answer to until we do it. It just takes time, patience and it also takes different methods at different stages of healing wounds in order for us to fully heal them, like having a plaster, a bandage or stitches. But it can be done, and every one of us is capable of doing it, i assure you that.

(read that bit again until it has landed for you.)

I pondered around how I have felt as though I have to earn love, effection, gifts, time and communication-all of the main core love languages from all the people in my life.

When it comes to dating I hear so many modern day women say “he should earn his right to be with you, he should be earning his place in your life”.
I am not saying a man in my life shouldn’t be respecting me with honesty and kindness- because of course he does, but the thing is that is already someone’s nature- that’s natural, its not earn't!

This also depends what your deep subconscious beliefs are around the word "Earn" so you can ask yourself what does that word mean to you? How does that word feel when you say it?

Lets take respect for an example, I personally don't think we can do things in life to prove we respect someone,respect is there from the beginning, it just happens.
If you do have to earn that, then you have to ask yourself why you think you do? If you really do or is that an illusion? Or if you are being demanded to by someone else, then you can ask why you have to prove that to them in the first place!? Is it to prove something to you, them or someone else? (I would always seek some guidance with this as it is always a great idea to get help around healing work)

In this moment writing this I realise nothing needs to be earned physically in order for the right man or partner to show me those parts of himself. If a man shows me his essence and raw authentic self naturally that’s indication of an aligned relationship. That doesn’t have to mean he’s 'the one' or he’s my forever man. It’s simply an act of human interaction from a purer energy.

For me I think there is so much pressure on men earning affection in the ways that I have been taught from school age. Which are very masculine and not balanced out with their own feminine essence of their soul - not because it’s wrong, but because they haven’t been taught how.

I feel personally it’s also rubbed off on how I beleive affection and love is earned and in turn I fell victim to that. I became that myself! Subconsciously.

Expectations that if I wake up at 6am , study hard, work hard put in all the hours on the world that I’ll get physical results. But it’s about balance and finding joy in the 6am wake ups and the 11 am wake ups and not feeling different about it, just knowing that i am ok being just me and being alive and loved with no conditions.

It’s about being present with my whole entire being and allowing people to care, nurture, help, gift, communicate and love me.

I also want you to know that we are all programmed so differently from so young, there is no right or wrong its just about accepting your shadows as immense gifts.
Letting yourself feel, step into conversations that may change your life forever, being patient, learning how to communicate to others and to yourself.

Knowing you do not have to earn anyones love. You deserve love because you are it. You are you. You are the only you there will ever be.

So grasp that feeling of unworthiness with two hands bring it into the light, pull off that plaster, face its ugly truth, feel its roller coster of emotions, breathe, cry and do what you have to do to release that pain and suffering of self doubt and unworthiness. Because when you let it be heard seen and felt it has no choice but to transform with you in this new you energy into courage, love, abundance, health and pure white light.

I’ll leave you all with this beautiful quote.

“You don’t need to earn love.
All you have to to is receive it.
You deserve love because you exist.
No terms or conditions.
I love you because you exist”.

Thank you for reading and healing.
Love and light

This blog does have a trigger warning and i highly recommend if anything came up for you to please reach out for help.
Therapy, energy healing, family and friends or even help lines. Remember You are loved even y people who don't even know you. xxx

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